Our favourite sports correspondent, LouP is back with a completely unbiased match report from the Mighty Two’s first match of the season against Lordswood Valkyries (formally Maidstone RFC):
[RUTTER AND ALEX – PRE MATCH]
“Oh my god I can’t believe it, it’s south London’s least eminent sports journalist back doing a match report! In the commentary box for the mighty twos’ match against Maidstone, behind the imaginary large desk, are Lawrence Dallaglio (Ines), Brian O’Driscoll (Izzy) and Martin Bayfield (me). Nigel Owens (Charlie) was on the far touch line and Holly was also making herself useful, well more useful than the dubious Martin Bayfield substitute wafting around asking what just happened…ahem. Some discussion of club members making their debut today – high hopes for our noobs! Our stalwarts should also be commended on their dedication – Alex bravely rose like a phoenix from the ashes from her sickbed to play in the match, and actually barfed on the way to the warm up (phoenix impression compromised at this point). Such determination is an example to us all. Player stats: 20% of team is called Ellie. Interviewed the ref who agreed that it was a shame all the wooden benches face the tennis courts but away from the rugby pitch, and yes it surely did represent some sort of class divide.
So I’m having my picnic (waitrose pesto pasta) as the match kicks off. I note a couple of Maidstone players who previously played for us. Splitters. Very soon we are awarded a scrum, which we win of course, and soon fine progress towards their try line is being made. A kick into touch results in our line out which is well taken by Alex soaring like an eagle.
Less than ten minutes in Gabby (a BWRFC debutante) scores a fine try on the right wing so we are at 5-0 already. Maidstone then kick off and Sharon is back in town! She hit their #18 with an audible smack, must have been like running into a sack of wet cement, but she slowed her down for sure.
Maidstone applaud themselves when a scrum is awarded in their favour. Weirdos. They probably clap when the plane lands safely.
Then BWRFC debutante Jennifer storms up the wing, a good third of the pitch, then is cruelly taken out by the opposition. When play resumes Sharon takes TJ (Maidstone) out which is no mean feat, reassuring us that the beast Onyango is back and marauding! I note at this point that Adj is wearing the team hotpants – well I would if I had her thighs.
Maidstone gets pretty close to our try line but it is to no avail as we regain possession and kick it, and Gabby runs nearly all the length of the pitch to score. Well she should have done; the ref disallowed it claiming there was blocking. Ludicrous considering defenders all behind Gabby, but what kind of commentary is it if I don’t call the ref a twatbadger at least once. Top diplomat Conor shows why he is beloved of all match officials by bellowing to Adj that the ref was wrong and she did nothing amiss. I’ve just tried to demonstrate the play with wine bottle and condiments to my consultant, who agrees with the ref, the traitor. And after I made him a roast dinner. Maybe I showed it wrong.
Elisa marks her debut with a fine take from the air, although she looks a bit taken aback. After a split second she figures out what to do and goes for it, setting up a try by Helen who runs it round to a good position to give herself a better kick. As such she converts smashingly and we are at 12-0.
Ellie B-S makes a storming run but is cruelly denied glory by the ref saying she handed off to the face. Such unfairness; it is not our fault their players are shortarses and too worried about their pretty looks (that ship has sailed, just saying). And he totally ignored Alex getting handed of to the face later; fortunately she didn’t complain about that or throw any kind of strop about it, no sir. Soon our honour is restored by an absolutely amazing run by debutante Jennifer, with a genius inside pass at the last minute enabling Adj (I think) to score. 17-0 after the conversion badoings off the crossbar.
Next Ellie L nobly steps up to catch the ball but overbalances in the wrong way for her dodgy knee (which, when I last played with her, sounded like a packet of crisps when she flexed it, so it’s a miracle she can get about, frankly), knocks it on, and then has to receive medical attention. But she’s still standing, as befits a BWRFC player. Ellie B-S makes another fine run but is tackled, and we are at half time. Maidstone heads are down. And not just because some of them are short enough to get accidentally handed off to the face and as such have heads closer to the ground.
Maidstone kick off the next half, and their kick is caught by Gabby who puts the gas on and runs half the pitch, unselfishly passing to Adj for a try. A thought-bubble is clearly visible over Smiffy’s head: “ok, you pair crack on with the running; I’ll just wait here…” 22-0.
Maidstone make a good bit of ground and nearly score but Gabby/Ellie S take out their player to save the day. Scrum, and another good run from Jennifer, a champagne-rugby pass over the top to Adj, and ground is made back to halfway. New balls please – ours is lost in the trees.
In the next phase a penalty is awarded against us for diving over in the ruck. I think. Either that or the ref was doing a snake impression with his hand. They run it but we put them into touch so our line-out. The ball goes loose but they fumble it and Adj grabs and goes, then run half the pitch to score a try. Converted by Helen so now we are at 29-0.
They make a bit of progress but we soon regain possession, and Alex rapidly recovers from a little lie-down she deems necessary. They regain possession and score but do not convert – 29-5.
Maidstone have a penalty awarded against them for hands in the ruck, we get near their try line and it’s close but no cigar and they regain the ball. But Rutter is on the case and tackles them into touch, like a bulldozer with highlights. They get done for playing on the ground and our lineout results in the ball coming nicely off the top from Alex to Chloe, some fab running from Jennifer, and a pass to Adj for a try in the corner. 34-5.
They kick off and approach our try line but it is to no avail – we regain possession and Adj runs 3/4 of the pitch for a try between the posts. At this point Ines actually complained about so many tries being scored, because she had to carry the water over each time. I hear her wallet’s too small for all her fifties and her diamond shoes are too tight… A fine conversion put the score at 41-5.
At some point in the second half Ellie B-S sustains a painful hit to her womanly space. Battlefield first aid in the form of a cold half of cider was employed to ease the pain in the ‘area’ and we are optimistic of her full recovery. Our thoughts are with her #prayforthehooha
[ELLIE B-S #PRAYFORTHEHOOHA]
They kick off and Smiffy nearly catches it but not quite, and apparently we are all supposed to know to stop play without the ref blowing his whistle…cockwomble. He doesn’t realise scrum caps interfere with psychic ability. They get a scrum, then Emma (debutante) does a great tackle with a huge thwack, and follows it up by literally crushing someone. I pity the fool. Maidstone drive over for a try putting the score at 41-10 but it’s too little too late, as the final whistle blows to herald the Blackheath triumph.
True story – when the match finished, one of the Maidstone players said (I hope in jest), “did we win?” Er, no love, You met the mighty twos. And they were more mighty.
[RUTTER AND ALEX – POST MATCH]